Thursday, August 29, 2013

Mixed feelings

Despite us being friends again, I get these weird feelings some days that he's just not into it. But, then the next day he is going out of his way to meet me for coffee, taking a risk to see me. 
Being in a relationship like this is hard. Nothing is real. He is not mine and I am not his, yet we are connected some way. Some days, I wish cutting the connection was easy. 

Friday, July 26, 2013


It's been so long since I've posted. I am sorry. Summer was a busy time for me. 
Let me see if I can get you caught up as to where everything is at now a days. 
James and I are back at being friends. Our split lasted four months. I think I missed him more than he missed me, truthfully. But, I will never really know, and I don't feel like bringing up all that mess again.  
As for my husband and me, we are still moving along. We have our good days and our bad days, like any other couple. 
But, lately, I've had this feeling like James has to be in my life for a reason. I don't know what the reason is, but that at least brings me some kind of comfort.
We've meet recently for coffee and just talked with one another. It was nice seeing him and just sitting and listening to him. I would have loved to being doing other things with this boy but I wanted him to see that we could have nice outings with each other that didn't always involve getting naked together. :) 
God, he makes me so nervous every time I am going to see him. My nerves just won't calm down. It's funny. I don't know what the nervousness is from. I've known him literally forever. But, just having to sit there and wait sends jitters throughout my body. 
I am happy to have him back for now. I feel like I'm on borrowed time and it will all come crashing down again. I have no idea what this Valentines Day will hold. Hopefully, not more drama. We can only wait and see. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Mixed feelings

He came back like I wanted him too but I have mixed feelings about it because he's not giving me a 100% like he use to. He is closing himself off to me a bit. I think he is afraid of his feeling towards me. 
I think I'm not going to email him again until he emails me. I can hold off too. And not share myself with him either. 
I want him to miss me. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Happy Happy Happy!!

He came back to me today. ;) I am so happy. I won him over!!! 
I have restrictions though, that I set. I am going to email him a couple days a week. And I will keep the conversations away from the forbidden zone. Even though, I so want him and I still think about him constantly. 
But, I m happy to have him back!! I love him. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013


I haven't written in awhile and for that I am sorry. I have been busy with graduations and such. Plus, I've been trying not to think of James. But, that hasn't gone so well. I've talked to or with him several times since my last post. I am trying to prove to him that we can have a normal friendship. I keep all our conversations away from the topic or me and him and us wanting each other and it not being possible. 
Ivan really say, I enjoy talking with him and hearing his opinion on things. And I have really missed that. So, slowly by slowly I am trying to win him back. 
Thursday & Friday I was able to email him throughout the day & he would respond. It was nice. I don't want to overkill it already but I want more as usual. I always want more with him. 
So here is to hopefully starting up our friendship again because 4 months without him is too much. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The beginning of our story....


     The only time they ever did find each other was in their dreams. Even then, it never lasted long enough. 
     They had been in search of each other since the beginning of time. When jealousy and hate made their love forbidden. 
    They were cursed to walk the earth apart never knowing each other's identity. Always in search of their missing love. 
      Each life time, they searched for that missing part of themselves. Always knowing it was love that was missing. Never knowing where to find it. 
    If they were lucky enough, they would get a brief glimpse of what once was, of the love they once shared. 
    Many times they would go a whole life time apart. Never finding each other.
    Sometimes, they would find each other too late in life.  After, one or both were already promised to another. 
   Other times, they would find each other too early in life. A longing would be present but were too young to recognize that this was their missing love. Only to regret later not seeing what was plainly in front of them. 
  I hope that once,  in one of our lifetimes, we are able to recognize each early enough, so that we can share our whole life time together.  I love you. 
  Until then my love, I will wait for you in my dreams. 

In my most recent life time, I found my love when I was only 16 years old. I didn't realize that this was my love, whom I had been searching for since the beginning if time.  A love that I had been separated from at a young age. 
 Sixteen was so young to know what love was, is what some people might say. But, I knew I loved him from the very beginning. There was a strong  pull between us, an instant connection. 
I remember running home to my mother and telling her about the love I found. Explaining to her how I felt when I was with him. 
Only to have her hurtful words break my heart. My mother proceeded to tell me I was too young to know what love was. That this was impossible! I had to stay away from him. I was then forbidden to see him, talk to him or be any where near him! He wasn't right for me! 
Little did they know that he and I would always be pulled to each other. 
In every life time, jealousy and hatred had managed to keep us separated. This would be another lifetime I would go without my love. 

It has been over 20 years since that fateful first day my love walked into my life. Although, we have found each other again, we are too late. 
We are both married, to other people,  whom we can't leave,  for various reasons. We are struggling in these relationships. Although,  we have been friends forever,  trying to hold onto our love and trying to hold on to our relationship, it's just not working.  We are now in the process of trying to leave each other, so that our relationships might have a possible chance. 
Leaving him and saying goodbye is killing me. I can't imagine him gone from my life. But, it's happening. 

I love him and yet I am loosing him again.  I am letting him go. It is the hardest thing I will ever do. He is struggling within his own relationship just as I am. Any other relationship apart from one another will only be full of strife, because it is him and I that were meant to be, no other. 

I emailed him yesterday.

 I emailed him yesterday and asked him if he missed me and he responded "of course I do". But he still won't come back. 
This is what he sent me about why he is staying away; (oh and I had sent him a photo of myself)
It's an amazing pic, and very tempting. It just doesn't help me try to make things work in my marriage. It's too tempting, and can only lead to trouble, in my life.
I then ask him how things were going with him. He told me this about him and his wife; Sometimes it seems like we're getting better. Other times it's as if there is no hope. It's a struggle.