My thoughts

I had been doing so good these past few days. My talk with my friend was good and it left me happy.
But, then last night as I was falling asleep my husband decides he wants some "somethin' somethin'". And my thoughts naturally travel to my friend as my husband touches me. I imagine my friend's touch on my body, not my husband.
You see, for so long now, I have used my friend as a means of getting excited when I am with my husband.
My intimate relationship with my husband has been not so good for a long time now.
And my friend, has provided me with a way to be with my husband. (yes my husband knew I was emailing him and that I was really in to him. My husband even talked about him when we were in intimate with each other. I'll have to explain this more in detail some other time. )
So anyway, my husband begins to talk about my friend and how him and I should really get together soon because he knows I'd love that. And he also knows what that idea does to me.
But, then this thought comes to my head, we are no longer talking and I no longer have access to him anymore. And it saddens me. And I realize more than anything at this point, that miss my friend and love him more than I realize. I think it is so unfair that we can't be friends any longer because we are married to other people. It is really depressing. We are both unhappy but can not be with each other even though I believe we would both love to be. Tears, come to my eyes because I will never be able to be with the one I love.